Easier?

I thought this was going to be easier on you.  But, when I look in your eyes, I see

Fear

Sadness

Confusion

Emptiness

I thought this was going to be easier on me.  But, when I look into my heart, I feel

Fear

Sadness

Confusion

Emptiness

I question my decision every day.  Would things have been better if I’d let you stay in your own home?  Would you be happier?  The potential stair falls or car accidents  -would the chance of those happening have been worth you keeping your independence a little longer?  The heart questions what the mind knows to be true.  

We are facing the grim realities of aging, together.  It’s not pretty.  It’s not fun.  I’m learning that it does not matter where this takes place; in a small  home that one calls their own or in a high rise building that remains foreign and void.  In a dangerous place full of places to fall, intruders to barge in, and things to break down.  Or, in a safe place full of things made easier with no stairs, no fire, no strangers.  An easier place full of one daughter who loves and wants to protect you every day. 

 

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5 thoughts on “Easier?

  1. These are such hard decisions, Carrie. My mom and uncle went through this with my grandmother. I thought, as a young 20-something, I knew what was best for her, but I didn’t. It’s so scary to watch loved ones get old. I can’t imagine what you’re going through with your mom right now as you wonder if you’re making the right choice. All of us can only do our best.

  2. I love the beginning with “I thought it was going to be easier on you.” repeated with “I thought it was going to be easier on me.” Very connected and full of emotion!

  3. You have written about decisions so many of us will struggle through. It’s not pretty. It’s not fun. Yet you are facing it head on, with great love, trying your best to do what’s best. Your sharing will help others think it through, too.

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